Broken Heart Secrets

Kirkland McCauley purchased an elephant for his wifes birthday. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it remained the elephant in the room, the unspoken horror that separated them for the last few days of their marriage.

Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. Nowadays it’s easy to be imaginative. Simply scroll through amazon or google for ‘presents’ and your choice is,if not unlimited, extremely vast. It ranges from ‘adopt a monkey’ to track days, having a star named after somebody to buying a glass cased piece of Highbury turf.

But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a mobile phone that meant he could access the Internet, and thereby arrange such transactions as buying an elephant while down the pub with his friends, did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.

So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.

The net can certainly be a help and opens up all sorts of possibilities. But it is not the complete answer.

‘Something different’ is not enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present – a new lawnmower, new knifes and forks on or iron?

‘Frivolous’ often helps, as does ‘extravagance’ – or at least the appearance of either or both.

Purchasing a gift or gift set because you have always wanted one is a certainly a no no. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 – missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?

Picking something ‘worthwhile’ or that send a message is worse. A month in rehab seldom does the trick.

‘So ‘appropriate’, possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective – but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. The worst that can happen is that the gift says more about the giver and their interests than the receiver. The best that can happen is that the giver receives in return increased appreciation of his or her thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.